Space Florida
by imp

Space Florida

imp

Summary

Leverage/Dr Who crossover. Parker and Hardison travel with the Doctor. Set sort of vaguely before the most recent season. Someone on Tumblr posted this and I was so delighted that I had to make it into fic. Thanks to Abby for the beta!

Notes

None

Chapter One

"I'm trying," Parker said. "But there's a tent and a balcony and a big blue box, and it could be in any of them, so give me a minute." She rattled the box's door. It was locked. "Hardison, do props lock?"

"How should I know? Do I look like a theater nerd to you? I don't do Hamlet, girl, and - wait, a big blue box?"

"A locked big blue box." She rattled it again, wishing Hardison would go back to talking. She liked when he talked in her ear. As long as it was just him and not some stupid other person too. "Why is there a tent? Do plays have tents?"

"What is with all the existential theater questions? Just jimmy the lock or something. It can't possibly be - whatever."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"I can tell when you're lying."

"You can tell - no! No you can't!"

"Yes I can. There's no lock."

"Of course there's a lock. You just said it was locked."

"Well, there's no lock." She kicked it. "I can't open it. Why does it say police?"

There was a long moment of silence and for a second Parker worried someone had compromised Hardison. In a real way, not the way Sophie talked about.

"Where does it say police?" Hardison finally said.

"On top. There's not a police officer in the box, is there?"

"No. No, there is definitely not a police officer in the box." There was a clunking noise, then Hardison said, "Stay where you are, okay? I'll be there in five seconds."

"You can't -"

"Five seconds."

It actually took two minutes, and Hardison was wheezing when he got there. "Okay," he said, gasping. "Okay. So we need a plan. Okay."

"What are you talking about? Why can't I hear Nate?"

"Uh, I left a note, he'll know where we went. Probably." Hardison was staring at the big blue box like a lot of computers or his Nana was in it. "So, the guy we have to find, he's a tall skinny white guy, and he's got a bow tie on. And he's British."

"Like this?"

Parker thought it was an okay British accent, but Hardison winced like she'd kicked him. "We have to find him," he said again. "It's really, really important, Parker, okay?"

"You're not going to tell me what's going on, are you."

"It's - it's complicated. But important. Trust me on this." He reached out and touched the blue box. His hand was shaking a little. Maybe it was a really big computer. "Maybe we should stay here and wait for him, actually."

That made Parker roll her eyes. "I can find a British guy with a bow tie," she said, and climbed over the tent, heading towards the room where the party was.

||

Half an hour later, they found him. They also found a problem.

"Hello," he said, "I'm The Doctor."

"There's a bomb on you," Parker said. "Are you doctor of bombs? Because otherwise we have a problem."

"No one said anything about bombs!"

"Calm down," Parker said. "It's a little one."

"You don't know how to defuse bombs! None of us know how to defuse bombs!"

"You're a fan of mine," The Doctor said, smiling at Hardison.

"You hate bombs!"

"Well, yes, but I can't say I've never defused them before." He started fiddling around with his chest in a way that reminded Parker of magicians who did dumb tricks for distracted people. "Funny thing about bombs, they're a rather primitive way of doing things, honestly, I much prefer a good sonic - well, anything. Well, not a sonic bomb, and those were very popular in the fortieth century. Dresses for men were popular, too. I liked those better. And Boone’s Farm was a good wine, believe it or not. I love wine. Wine's just lovely. Hold this."

Parker held out her hands before she realized what she was doing. Then she was holding a bomb. "But -"

"What are you doing?" Hardison practically yelled.

"Oh, calm down, she's perfectly safe," The Doctor said. He waved what looked like a wand but probably wasn't at the bomb. It stopped ticking. It was stupid of it to tick to begin with. Bombs didn't need to tick. Parker liked simpler bombs.

"If one more person tells me to calm down, I'm smashing something. Or somebody."

"Luckily it's just the three of us. Thank you," The Doctor said, taking the bomb from Parker.

"I didn't do anything," Parker pointed out.

"Nonsense. Now -"

"I'm afraid," Nate said from behind Parker, "that it's not just the three of you."

Parker whirled around. Nate and Sophie were both glaring at The Doctor.

"There's a really good explanation for this," Hardison said. "That explanation is Space Florida."

"I'm not taking you to Space Florida," The Doctor said. "Hello! I'm The Doctor."

"I don't care what you're doctor of, you had my thief holding a bomb."

"Unfortunate situation, that, best forgotten. But I'm very highly - authorized, yes. Very authorized. See?" He held out a paper.

"It's got a bunch of circles on it," Parker said.

"I don't think you're actually the CEO of Apple," Nate said, "and even if I did, there's no reason for the CEO of Apple to be at a retirement party for an old community theater director."

"I have roots in the community," The Doctor said.

He sounded shifty. "I don't trust him," Parker said, narrowing his eyes.

"Oh, you can trust him," Hardison said.

"He just tried to con us," Sophie said.

"We're conpeople too!"

"Conmen."

Hardison stared at Parker. "You're not a guy."

Parker shrugged.

"Anyway," Hardison said, "I'm taking a vacation, okay? A one day vacation."

"I haven't said I'm taking you anywhere," The Doctor said.

"You haven't said you're not, either. Traveling with you is my dream, man. Do you want to crush my dreams? Do you?"

"I could crush dreams," The Doctor said.

He was lying. "Me too."

The Doctor blinked at her. "Crushing dreams isn't a good thing, I'm afraid."

"No, you're taking me, too." She punched his arm. "We'll be buddies."

Hardison was looking at her like she'd gone crazy. "What?"

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head.

"So, we're gonna go," Hardison told Nate.

"I didn't say you could go anywhere. And, in fact, you can't. I don't trust this guy."

"I'm smarter than you," The Doctor said.

"No, you're not," Parker said. "Nate just looks stupid. He's actually really smart."

"Thank you, Parker."

Parker bobbed her head.

"They'll be very safe. On my honor as - " The Doctor looked at his own piece of circle-covered paper. "The mayor of West Palm Beach?"

"Space Florida," Hardison said.

"I promise they'll be safe," The Doctor said, beaming at Nate.

Parker wasn't so sure. But somehow, Nate was relaxing. "One day," he told Hardison.

Hardison was practically bouncing up and down. "One day. I swear."

"And I'm only saying you can do this because I've heard of him," Nate added, nodding at the big blue box.

"Okay, fine," Parker said. "Where's your car?"

The Doctor's smile wasn't as great as Hardison's. "Oh, I can do better than a car."

"We'll see you guys later," Nate said. "You know where to find us. Don't do anything stupid."

"Ignore Nate," Sophie said. She was looking between Parker and Hardison really weirdly. "Do as many stupid things as you like."

Parker knew she was missing something. Especially since Hardison and The Doctor looked really embarrassed. "Uh huh."

They left.

"Anyway," The Doctor said, "let's go, shall we?" He walked over to the box and snapped his fingers.

"That's showing off," Hardison said.

"Oh, you love it," The Doctor said.

He went inside, leaving Parker and Hardison standing outside. "What does he need?" Parker said.

"Huh?" Hardison said. He was staring at the box like Parker stared at the Federal Reserve.

"What does he need," Parker said. "He's got something in there, right?"

"Uh, no. It's, uh. It's a spaceship?"

"It's a box."

"It's bigger on the inside."

Parker looked at the box. Then she looked at Hardison. "But it's a box."

"Just go in, okay?"

"I don't want to be crammed in a box with The Doctor." Hardison would be okay. But not The Doctor.

"It's bigger on the inside, I told you!"

"Then you go."

"I'm going to!"

"You're scared."

"No, I'm not."

He definitely was. "Here." Parker held out her hand.

Hardison looked at it like it might bite him. She shook it impatiently. "Come on. We don't have all day."

"You really don't," The Doctor said, poking his head out of the box.

Hardison took her hand. His skin was warm and kind of sweaty.

"Okay," Parker said, and walked inside.

It was bigger on the inside, but Parker didn't have time to think about that. The second the door shut behind them, The Doctor said, "The lady outside, who was she?"

"Sophie? She's, uh, a friend." Hardison's eyes were so wide Parker was a little worried about him.

"Fascinating thing about friends, they always have secrets from you, don't you think? Mine always did. Secrets, and little corners of their minds no one was allowed to see."

Parker didn't like when things got serious all of a sudden. "I like the circle things," she said, pointing at the walls.

"No secrets! I'll be the best you ever had!" Hardison practically yelled.

Parker stared at him. The Doctor just laughed. "I've heard that before. Anyway, your friend, funny story. If you ever need an intergalactic anchovy fight stopped, she's your girl."

"Wait. Sophie? Sophie? You're telling me Sophie hung out with you?"

"Why was there an anchovy fight?"

"Why didn't she tell me? I would kill! Kill! Uh, not in front of you, obviously. Actually, just kidding, I wouldn't kill at all."

"I don't approve of killing," The Doctor said.

"Right on, my man. But Sophie?"

"She's very quick on the uptake." The Doctor had the happy look on his face again, the one that looked stupid. And like what happened when Eliot saw dogs in dumb costumes.

"Okay," Parker said. "I think you have to take us to Space Florida now." She didn't want to go. There would probably be nothing to steal, unless they sold diamond alligator souvenirs or something. "Are there alligators in Space Florida?"

"No alligators!" Hardison said.

"The alligators are sentient now," The Doctor said. "So that's where I'm taking you, yes?"

"Yes," Hardison said, nodding hard. "Yes, man, yes."

"Wonderful," The Doctor started pulling all kinds of knobs and levers. "I haven't been to Space Florida in ages. Do you think I can get a tan? I'd look dashing with a tan, wouldn't I?"

"No comment," Parker said, because he was looking at her.

"Fascinating," The Doctor said.

The box lurched into action. Parker tried to grab a railing, but they were too far away, so she grabbed Hardison instead.

"Uh, hi. This is exciting. So exciting." Hardison grabbed her, then moved his hands away. "You're excited, right?"

"We're space traveling," Parker said. "Right?"

"And time traveling!"

"Uh huh." Parker was trying not to think about it, because it was weird. She was pretty much only here because of Hardison.

Actually, that was kind of weird too. Feelings were stupid. "Is Space Florida nice?"

"Guess we're gonna find out."

"I'm not wearing a bikini," Parker said, and held on tighter.

||

Space Florida was boring.

"You look bored," The Doctor said.

"That's because I am." No one even had pockets to pick.

"We can do something that's not his idea, you know."

"Y'all shut up, I'm in a zone," Hardison said.

"Your zone is stupid," Parker said.

"Now, now." The Doctor stretched out a little. "Never insult people's zones, Parker, it's a sure way to create an international incident."

"I like international incidents," Parker said. She liked most things that were interesting. Being at the beach wasn't interesting.

"Well, it's not like I can take you to a museum," The Doctor said. "People never like it when I take them to museums. More's the pity."

Hardison took off his sunglasses and looked directly at Parker. Parker smiled.

"Really?" The Doctor said. "You two, in a museum?"

"It's not like two fish flying or something, lighten up," Hardison said. "What kind of museum are we talking about? The old kind?"

"The kind with valuable artifacts?" Parker said casually.

"By which she means, artifacts to look at."

"Sure," Parker said. She could look at them while she stole them.

"Excellent." The Doctor leaped to his feet. "Never been one for beaches. Interesting things never happen on beaches. If you want a nice, boring day, go to the beach."

"Hey now, some of us like boring," Hardison said.

"Not me! Come on, now!" The Doctor held out his hand.

Parker looked over at Hardison, who mostly just looked confused. "I'm not going to hold your hand," she told The Doctor. "I don't hold hands."

"You held his," The Doctor said, nodding at Hardison.

Parker didn't get his point. "Can we just go?"

"Absolutely," The Doctor said, and took off towards the blue box, which he was insisting they call the TARDIS. With all caps.

"We're gonna -"

"Yes," Parker said.

"Are you sure?"

"I want to sleep first. Then steal."

Hardison shook his head. "He won't like that, you know."

Parker shrugged.

"Okay, well, if we wind up in space jail, I'm blaming you." He held out his hand.

After thinking about it for a second, Parker took it. She could get used to this. Probably.

Well, maybe.

Well...

Probably.

||

It was actually the end of the day, so they decided to go to the museum the next day. The Doctor decided, actually. Parker would have been fine with not sleeping if it meant she got to steal in the future. From the future.

He sent them off together, sort of. He didn't look at them when he said, "Now, off to bed with you. Tired and cranky humans make for boring exploring. Go!"

So they went. Parker was expecting sleeping bags, maybe, or a future bed, but instead they walked into the nearest room and there were bunk beds waiting for them.

"I call top bunk," Parker said, and hopped into bed.

"I gotta brush my teeth. And, you know, wash up. And maybe sing myself a bedtime story. Uh, song. I'm going to go."

"Don't trip," Parker called out to the ceiling as he left. It really looked like he might.

She stayed awake until he settled back in. She wasn't really sure why. When he did get back in, she said, "You don't need to do anything. I can steal on my own."

"See, now, I'd never doubt that." The bunk bed shifted slightly as he settled in. "But I can help, I guess."

"The Doctor would be disappointed in you."

"Yeah, well."

"He would be. That's important to you."

"I mean, you could not steal from the future space museum."

"I guess." But she really wanted to.

"Hey." He kicked her mattress lightly. "It's cool. Do what you want. I'm sure he's seen worse."

She had to hug herself a little. She was just - far away from him. And she couldn't see his face. She wasn't sure when not being able to see his face had turned into a bad thing. "Okay. Great. Thanks."

"Now let's go to sleep. It's always a big day with him. He skips the little ones. He's so awesome, Parker, you have no idea. This one time, right, he was with this tree. This really hot tree, and -"

Parker rolled her eyes, but she fell asleep pretty quickly, with him still talking quietly below her.

||

"The Intergalactic Farming Museum," The Doctor said proudly, bounding out of the TARDIS.

"Farming? Are you serious? Are you serious."

"Oh, don't be so dour."

"We were at Space Florida, man! Now we're here to look at a bunch of - a bunch of hoes! Farmingly speaking," Hardison added to Parker.

"Noted."

"Shovels and plows are all well and good, but did you know the Sclethians farmed rubies? Interesting story about rubies, they're not actually native to earth at all. Sclethians eat them, of course, but once humans reached their corner of the galaxy they were a cash crop of the highest order." The Doctor looked between them expectantly.

Rubies were promising. "Yes," Parker said, nodding. "Let's go look at the Scalians."

"Sclethians."

"Whatever," Parker said, and because no one else was moving, led the way into the museum.

It was full of plows, and space plows, which was boring. But there were big signs pointing the way to all the valuable stuff. Parker wasn't a big fan of stealing in broad daylight, but she was pretty sure she could give Hardison and The Doctor the slip long enough to get a pretty decent take.

She really wasn't expecting Hardison to help her. But when he saw her casing the exits, he said, "Oh my god, is that a space cow?" and ran over to an exhibit. The Doctor followed, explaining loudly that it was actually edible space plankton.

Parker shook her head and got to work.

An hour later, she had enough jewels to finance another run at the Louvre. Slipping back in was going to be a little more difficult - or so she thought. When she found Hardison again, The Doctor was nowhere to be found.

"Where is he?" she hissed. She didn't want The Doctor to be unaccounted for. It seemed like it would be like Nate deciding to be a lone cowboy hero person, only worse.

"He said there was some shit going down with some aliens."

"Really?"

"Well, no, but what he actually said was a bunch of names he knew I wouldn't remember."

"Uh-huh," Parker said. "Do you think we can steal the box?"

"The - you want to steal the TARDIS? Are you joking?"

"Is that a no?"

"We can't steal the TARDIS!"

"That's not a no."

Hardison looked away.

"Fine, we won't steal the TARDIS."

"You'd have very bad luck stealing the TARDIS," The Doctor said from behind her. "Don't worry about me sneaking up on you. You'll get used to it. Oh, and we need to run. Now!"

Parker didn't actually want to end her day running away from aliens. But she had rubies and gold, or a good imitation of gold, in her pockets. So it was okay.

"We should go to a server farm next," Hardison said when they got back to the box. "Or, like, a robot factory. Something cool. Something where we don't have to run away from aliens."

"Everyone's alien. You're an alien! Stay here," The Doctor said, and ran out of the TARDIS.

"I don't want to have adventures," Parker said.

"You got to steal stuff, though."

Hardison was missing the point. "I don't like space. Or time travel."

"This from a girl who rappels down walls for fun."

"That's because it is fun."

Hardison shook his head. "So, and don't take this the wrong way, because I'm glad you're here, and, you know, it's great, and everything, but, uh. Why are you here?"

She didn't want to say 'because of you.' It was true, and she knew it was true, but she didn't want to say it. Running away would have made more sense, but somehow she ended up kissing him instead.

He made a surprised noise, but then thankfully he kissed back. It would have been even more awkward if he didn't. As it was she wasn't sure where to put her hands, and whether or not to push him back. But then the idea of pushing him back got really appealing so she did it, and he seemed to like it.

"Oh. I'll just go - elsewhere."

"Come on," Hardison said, glaring at The Doctor when Parker stepped back, "really?"

The Doctor shrugged. "Afraid so. Now, where do you want to go next?"

"Actually - " Hardison glanced at Parker.

Parker's pockets were still full of jewels. She probably couldn't sell them in the fortieth century or whenever. "I think we want to go home," she said. She didn't stop looking at Hardison.

"No, but seriously. Where next?"

"Nah," Hardison said. "Don't get me wrong, it's been great, but I'd rather - do other things - than run from aliens."

"We don't always have to run from aliens!"

"Okay, yeah, except you said it yourself. I've heard of you."

"Oh...bah," The Doctor said. "Fine, then. I suppose I can take you back. In my day, thieves had a better sense of adventure."

"And bow ties were cool?" Parker said.

The Doctor straightening his. "Exactly."

He threw a lever, and the TARDIS lurched into motion again. Parker grabbed Hardison's hand and held on tight.

||

"I probably won't see you again," The Doctor said as they stepped out in front of Nate's.

"Probably not. It was good times, though."

"Yeah. Thanks." Parker discreetly patted her pockets, just to make sure. "Bye."

"Are you sure you don't -"

"Very sure," Hardison said. "Do I look like an action hero to you?"

"My life isn't all action."

Parker frowned. "Stop trying to steal him."

That made The Doctor laugh. She was okay with that. As long as he left. "Bye."

"Goodbye, Parker," The Doctor said. "Hardison."

"Goodbye," Parker said pointedly.

He left then. Luckily.

"So, that was fun," Hardison said as they went inside, "but next time aliens come, I've got dibs on the hacking, okay? You can help me with that."

"I didn't need your help back there."

"Kind of did."

"Nope."

"Just a little." Hardison bumped her with his hip. "Admit it."

She thought she might know what she was admitting. "Okay, fine. A little."

"Awesome."

He sounded really stupid and she liked it. She shoved a hand in her pocket. She was coming back from space with Hardison and some jewels. All in all, not bad.

Not bad at all.